You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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