I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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