What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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