so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just blew my weed a kiss
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
