ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
