remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
