her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
