Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
