He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't turn off my feet"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
