What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
