considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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