my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
