I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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