I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
