so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
