capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
