You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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