I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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