She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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