Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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