I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
