because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
