My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
