Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
