My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
