Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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