I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
