Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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