I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
