First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
