i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
