Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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