piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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