I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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