Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
