i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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