fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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