I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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