This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
