I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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