Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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