Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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