my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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