That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
