Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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