I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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