I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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