I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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