I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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