i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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