when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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