I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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